Where The Fecking Hell Are Shane Macgowan’s Teeth? Part 3

"Stately, plump Shane MacGowan came from the stairhead, bearing a shot of Listerine on which an interdental gum stimulator and a pack of dental floss lay crossed."

Had Shane MacGowan been born 75 years earlier (and actually taken care of his teeth) he could have been the model for Buck Mulligan instead of Oliver St. John Gogarty in Joyce’s "Ulysses." But since he wasn’t and didn’t, you’ll just have to go with the Shane you know—once brilliant, but now toothless and ragged. Would that he could awake from his slumber. But that day will not come till his teeth are reassembled and reinserted in his jaw. And until that day, we clutch at the absurd straws of MacGowaninan dental theory.

Theory #6: Seeking the Bigfoot, the Sasquatch and the Yeti
Discounted by scientists though they may be, romantics like Shane MacGowan and his teeth have not given up on the possibility of giant ape-like cousins of humanity living in the mountains. Gigantopithecus may seem like a long shot to you and I, but one of Shane’s teeth could be, at this moment, teaching a Yeti the secrets of fermenting its own saliva to make Himalayan chicha and getting the party started right up on Everest’s foothills.


Theory #7: Looking for Amelia Earhart’s Crash Site
"Bury me at sea, where no murdered ghost can haunt me…"

Deep in the North Pacific, near the Howland Islands, one of Shane’s teeth can be found, communing with the fish and sea creatures, trying to determine the final resting place of Amelia Earhart and her navigator, Fred Noonan. Utilizing that preternatural sensitivity which allowed Shane to feel his world so acutely and reflect it so poetically, this tooth is engaged in an obscure search through the genetic memories of eels, sharks and coral to reveal the legendary aviator’s final resting place.

Theory #8: Working to nail the CIA for the Crack Epidemic Since Gary Webb of the San Jose Mercury News revealed the CIA and Contra connection to crack in America, one of the teeth is purported to have gone undercover to nail the spy agency once and for all. Shane MacGowan himself may have an insatiable appetite for drugs of all kinds, but not this tooth! While Shane slowly comes apart, this tooth is fighting to stick it to the man.

Where The Fecking Hell are Shane MacGowan's Teeth? Part 2

Like a phoenix from the flames, the teeth of mighty Shane MacGowan will one day return from where the streams of whiskey are flowing, reassemble in the maw of the master and reveal his great purpose which has, to this time, remained secret. There are those who theorize about the powers of the lost teeth and their current whereabouts. And there are those who couldn't care less. At Blogbovine, we fall in the former camp, but really only just.


Theory #3: Trying to convince the Rebbe Menachem Schneerson to return as the Moshiach. Since his death (or, should we say, the perception of his death?) one prominent MacGowanian dental theory holds that at least one (possibly more) of Shane’s teeth is roaming the American southwest in an undercover Mitzvah Tank conducting an ongoing halakha argument to convince the Rebbe to return as the Moshiach and, oi, the argument it’s been! What’s a tooth gotta do to get a posek to side with him anyway?


Theory #4: Guarding the secret of Jimmy Hoffa’s whereabouts. Shane may not be a man who can respect a good secret, but his teeth sure can. One of the mush-mouthed singer’s canines is engaged in maintaining a magic spell to obscure the location of the erstwhile Teamster tough’s shallow grave, somewhere outside Detroit and surprisingly close to a former MC5 rehearsal space. Now, if any corpse-seeker gets too close, his mind is buffeted by the duel wailing guitars of Wayne Kramer and the late Fred "Sonic" Smith, resulting in nausea, disorientation and temporary amnesia. For a reason known only to the tooth, the would-be ghoul invariably turns up in a nearby diner, having ordered a large chocolate shake and onion rings.

Theory #5: In A Tolkien-ian Alternate Universe...
Three teeth for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of plaque,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord in his dark shack
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Tooth to rule them all,
One Tooth to find them,
One Tooth to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

Where The Fecking Hell Are Shane MacGowan’s Teeth? Part 1

Shane MacGowan is, or was, many things—brilliant songwriter, charismatic front man of the Pogues, house of cards about to collapse under his addictions, tragedy of wasted talent.

But why is he crumbling? We at Blogbovine believe his lost teeth are the true source of his strength. They will, one day, return to the formerly great man, to rejuvenate him and restore him to his full powers, like a drunken, Irish Voltron—all-powerful, unstoppable.

And where are those choppers now? Were they truly the putrid stumps of decay they appeared to be until they dropped out? No! Those hunks of calcium were endowed with supernatural powers. And as their condition appeared to worsen, they were actually preparing to split up and go into deep cover. And there they remain, to this day, faithful to their mission: Aggrandizing the drunken, backward underdogs and devotees of lost causes wherever they may roam, battling the forces of darkness and preparing for their return.

But where the fecking hell are they, exactly? There are many theories—too many for a normal human number of teeth, anyway. Here are a few of ideas:

Theory #1: The Isle of Avalon, preparing for the return of King Arthur
Arthur was, after all, a Celtic legend, so what better than a magically empowered bicuspid of Shane MacGowan to raise the great King from his slumber, restore him to full health to install a new golden age across all of Europe? Could this Arthur-led Super Europe be a counterweight to China’s growing power? You bet it could, especially with the poetic vision of Shane MacGowan side by side with Arthur, the magic of Merlin and all that merry band of chivalrous, fruity tough guys in medieval tights.

Theory #2: Atlantis!
Can anyone seriously doubt that one of Shane MacGowan’s supernaturally powerful teeth is deep under the sea, in the lost civilization of Atlantis, where it is assisting the, um, Atlantians in their mission to teach humanity to live under water once the ice caps melt? In fact, the tooth can be seen in an easter egg cameo in Tomb Raider Gold, but we’re not revealing how!