Monday, November 5, 2007

Where The Fecking Hell are Shane MacGowan's Teeth? Part 2

Like a phoenix from the flames, the teeth of mighty Shane MacGowan will one day return from where the streams of whiskey are flowing, reassemble in the maw of the master and reveal his great purpose which has, to this time, remained secret. There are those who theorize about the powers of the lost teeth and their current whereabouts. And there are those who couldn't care less. At Blogbovine, we fall in the former camp, but really only just.

Theory #3: Trying to convince the Rebbe Menachem Schneerson to return as the Moshiach. Since his death (or, should we say, the perception of his death?) one prominent MacGowanian dental theory holds that at least one (possibly more) of Shane’s teeth is roaming the American southwest in an undercover Mitzvah Tank conducting an ongoing halakha argument to convince the Rebbe to return as the Moshiach and, oi, the argument it’s been! What’s a tooth gotta do to get a posek to side with him anyway?

Theory #4: Guarding the secret of Jimmy Hoffa’s whereabouts. Shane may not be a man who can respect a good secret, but his teeth sure can. One of the mush-mouthed singer’s canines is engaged in maintaining a magic spell to obscure the location of the erstwhile Teamster tough’s shallow grave, somewhere outside Detroit and surprisingly close to a former MC5 rehearsal space. Now, if any corpse-seeker gets too close, his mind is buffeted by the duel wailing guitars of Wayne Kramer and the late Fred "Sonic" Smith, resulting in nausea, disorientation and temporary amnesia. For a reason known only to the tooth, the would-be ghoul invariably turns up in a nearby diner, having ordered a large chocolate shake and onion rings.

Theory #5: In A Tolkien-ian Alternate Universe...
Three teeth for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of plaque,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord in his dark shack
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Tooth to rule them all,
One Tooth to find them,
One Tooth to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

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