Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Where The Fecking Hell Are Shane MacGowan’s Teeth? Part 1

Shane MacGowan is, or was, many things—brilliant songwriter, charismatic front man of the Pogues, house of cards about to collapse under his addictions, tragedy of wasted talent.

But why is he crumbling? We at Blogbovine believe his lost teeth are the true source of his strength. They will, one day, return to the formerly great man, to rejuvenate him and restore him to his full powers, like a drunken, Irish Voltron—all-powerful, unstoppable.

And where are those choppers now? Were they truly the putrid stumps of decay they appeared to be until they dropped out? No! Those hunks of calcium were endowed with supernatural powers. And as their condition appeared to worsen, they were actually preparing to split up and go into deep cover. And there they remain, to this day, faithful to their mission: Aggrandizing the drunken, backward underdogs and devotees of lost causes wherever they may roam, battling the forces of darkness and preparing for their return.

But where the fecking hell are they, exactly? There are many theories—too many for a normal human number of teeth, anyway. Here are a few of ideas:

Theory #1: The Isle of Avalon, preparing for the return of King Arthur
Arthur was, after all, a Celtic legend, so what better than a magically empowered bicuspid of Shane MacGowan to raise the great King from his slumber, restore him to full health to install a new golden age across all of Europe? Could this Arthur-led Super Europe be a counterweight to China’s growing power? You bet it could, especially with the poetic vision of Shane MacGowan side by side with Arthur, the magic of Merlin and all that merry band of chivalrous, fruity tough guys in medieval tights.

Theory #2: Atlantis!
Can anyone seriously doubt that one of Shane MacGowan’s supernaturally powerful teeth is deep under the sea, in the lost civilization of Atlantis, where it is assisting the, um, Atlantians in their mission to teach humanity to live under water once the ice caps melt? In fact, the tooth can be seen in an easter egg cameo in Tomb Raider Gold, but we’re not revealing how!

Monday, October 29, 2007

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Semi-Ambulatory STAPH Infected Brother

Good Heavens! These new diseases and ailments are popping up everywhere—Kids dropping dead from MRSA and Staph infections, Bird Flu, West Nile Virus, SARS, Monkey Pox, Super AIDS!

Whoa, whoa, negative Nelly! Are you going to let this new race of super germs get you down or are you going to take that funky, unsightly pustule on your lemon and make penicillin-laden lemonade?

That’s what we thought. But maybe you’re having a little trouble getting that relentless optimism kick-started. Remember, only by the god-like act of creating can we stave off destruction and death, if only temporarily. That’s why we’re throwing together a few suggestions to put some Zip-A-Dee-Do-Da back in your ongoing chess match with an agonizing death from the new plague du jour. Feel free to use any of these art-starters to beat back the feeling of the grave’s icy tendrils slowly wrapping around your legs… squeezing… ever colder… inexorably…

Sorry! Try these!

Paint a series of Naugty Nurse paintings a la Richard Prince, but with scarier warnings.

Write a new cookbook and pitch it with Rachel Ray: 30 Simple Meals with Necrotizing Flesh

How about a dating guide? Lesions In Love: Finding Romance in the Presence of Unsightly Skin Eruptions

A magical realist novel? Love in the time of Drug Resistant, Air-borne Chlamydia.

Write new, maudlin Country songs, modled on old, maudlin country songs like "He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Staph Infected Brother," or "I"m So Lonesome, I Could Contract a Hideous Disease Just To Join a Support Group."

Make some giant Richard Serra-esque sculptures with an explicit agitprop angle.

Write a chirpy broadway hit play in which a plucky hero overcomes the odds of his illnesses through ripped off songs--Ass Cancer, The Musical!

(To the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody")
There’s cancer in my ass,
I wish my ass was not so full of cancer!

(To "Blowin in the Wind")
A tumor, my friend Is growing in your ass
A tumor is growing in your ass

(To the tune of "Yesterday")
Rectal probe,
That thing’s reaching up
To my ear lobes
And the Doctor is
A bit gung-ho
Oh, I can’t stand
This rectal probe

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Silver Screen Skeeter reviews "30 Days of Night"

Well, it's been awhile since I been to the movies on account of I been lookin' for my cat Frodo. But now I done give up on him. He musta wandered off to some other abandoned subway station.

It left me real low down and broken hearted, loosing that dang cat. I only got him cause one afternoon when I was singing Hank Williams tunes on the grates near the Virgin Megastore, a little old lady come by with a box of kittens and she got hit by a bus. Them kittens done scattered every which way and I wound up with one.

Having a little kitten was a tower of work and care, but I said to myself "Ol Skeeter, you gotta feed two mouths now!" And it weren’t regular cat food like the kind I usually eats neither. Cause there wasn't nothing too good for my Frodo. So I bought the special kind with low ash and all, seein' as it's better for a wee kitten like that. But since Frodo up and gone, I switched back to the ash kind. That ash flavor grows on a feller and I didn't like that low ash kind too good.

Anyhow, I took the money I saved from only having to buy for one and I went and seen me a movie. Lucky for me all that cat urine in my jacket gets me kinda high, so I didn't have to buy no hooch neither.

I seen that "30 Days of Frights." It was in a real dark place with lots of snow. Then a bunch of Arkansas hobos came swoopin' down on the town and tore it all ass from elbow. I ain't never seen a hungrier, ornerier bunch of hobos as Arkansas hobos. So I wasn't too surprised to see them whooping it up and causing a ruckus like that.

But they sure talked funny. Maybe it was them fumes from the cat pee, but it was hard to understand them. I guess that Arkansas accent is getting weirder and weirder with all them illegal immigrants coming in from China and Switzerland and Zaire and whatnot.

Anyhow, them townspeople, they creeped and crawled around as long as they could till them Arkansas hobos left town or got them selves killed, and since they done their best all them 30 days, I gives this movie three wine bottles out of five.

30 Days of Night (2007)
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George and Danny Huston
Directed by: David Slade

Them Arkansas Hobos sure caused a heap of trouble.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Men Who Wear Dresses and the Multi-Culti Mavens Who Love Them

Maybe they're not dresses, but each of these legging-less lads has a cadre of global village devotees.

The Dalai Lama:

Enlightenment is a panty-less saffron robe away, child.

The Scots:

Aye, it may look like a skirt, but I'm wearing nowt under it. Now get tae fuck, ya junkie cow, ye!

Roman Togas:

I came, I saw, I cross-dressed.

Grass Skirts:

For jungle crotch-rot, there's nothing like paddling a canoe around the lagoon, legs akimbo, in this airy little number.

Saudi Thobe:

We're, like, totally commando under here dude. And Allah is cool with that.


I will beat your ass for the glory of the Emporer and the honor of my dress.

Actual Transvestites:

My cock and balls just feel more at home in this Nicole Miller knock off.

Friday, October 19, 2007

All About Oxen: A Short Nature Documentary Script

Narrator: Oxen are the most powerful and intelligent animals on earth. Their broad, muscular backs, opposable thumbs and rock-like exoskeletons make them the greatest fighting machines the world has ever seen.

In 323 BC a single ox held up the advance of Alexander the Great’s army for nearly three weeks, simply because it wished to continue grazing in this field. The Ox was never defeated. It merely grew tired of the field and wandered off to beat the crap out of 60 Hittites camped nearby. (Pan across this image, a la Ken Burns.)

How awesome is the ox? Behold: (A montage of napalm exploding, ice cream falling from a cone, various atolls being destroyed by atomic bombs, Britney Spears and Madonna kissing, sumo wrestlers colliding, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse, the Indonesian tsunami, Gerald Ford falling down, the cat on the ceiling fan, Zidane’s headbutt, grown men weeping)

All of this and more is within the ox’s powers. Woe betide he who dares challenge the ox!

Working Titles of Led Zeppelin Songs

-Whole Lot of Coitus

-Stairway to Peggy’s

-Dazed and Befuddled

-The Guest Worker Song

-Living Loving Maid (I Got a Hand Job)

-The Song Will Never Be the Same

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Haiku About Incest #1

Mother, oh mother

I lust for only one thing

more than you: Grandma