Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Where The Fecking Hell Are Shane MacGowan’s Teeth? Part 1

Shane MacGowan is, or was, many things—brilliant songwriter, charismatic front man of the Pogues, house of cards about to collapse under his addictions, tragedy of wasted talent.

But why is he crumbling? We at Blogbovine believe his lost teeth are the true source of his strength. They will, one day, return to the formerly great man, to rejuvenate him and restore him to his full powers, like a drunken, Irish Voltron—all-powerful, unstoppable.

And where are those choppers now? Were they truly the putrid stumps of decay they appeared to be until they dropped out? No! Those hunks of calcium were endowed with supernatural powers. And as their condition appeared to worsen, they were actually preparing to split up and go into deep cover. And there they remain, to this day, faithful to their mission: Aggrandizing the drunken, backward underdogs and devotees of lost causes wherever they may roam, battling the forces of darkness and preparing for their return.

But where the fecking hell are they, exactly? There are many theories—too many for a normal human number of teeth, anyway. Here are a few of ideas:

Theory #1: The Isle of Avalon, preparing for the return of King Arthur
Arthur was, after all, a Celtic legend, so what better than a magically empowered bicuspid of Shane MacGowan to raise the great King from his slumber, restore him to full health to install a new golden age across all of Europe? Could this Arthur-led Super Europe be a counterweight to China’s growing power? You bet it could, especially with the poetic vision of Shane MacGowan side by side with Arthur, the magic of Merlin and all that merry band of chivalrous, fruity tough guys in medieval tights.

Theory #2: Atlantis!
Can anyone seriously doubt that one of Shane MacGowan’s supernaturally powerful teeth is deep under the sea, in the lost civilization of Atlantis, where it is assisting the, um, Atlantians in their mission to teach humanity to live under water once the ice caps melt? In fact, the tooth can be seen in an easter egg cameo in Tomb Raider Gold, but we’re not revealing how!

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