All About Oxen: A Short Nature Documentary Script

Narrator: Oxen are the most powerful and intelligent animals on earth. Their broad, muscular backs, opposable thumbs and rock-like exoskeletons make them the greatest fighting machines the world has ever seen.

In 323 BC a single ox held up the advance of Alexander the Great’s army for nearly three weeks, simply because it wished to continue grazing in this field. The Ox was never defeated. It merely grew tired of the field and wandered off to beat the crap out of 60 Hittites camped nearby. (Pan across this image, a la Ken Burns.)

How awesome is the ox? Behold: (A montage of napalm exploding, ice cream falling from a cone, various atolls being destroyed by atomic bombs, Britney Spears and Madonna kissing, sumo wrestlers colliding, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse, the Indonesian tsunami, Gerald Ford falling down, the cat on the ceiling fan, Zidane’s headbutt, grown men weeping)

All of this and more is within the ox’s powers. Woe betide he who dares challenge the ox!