Tuesday, January 1, 2008

New Year’s Resolutions You Should Consider

--Make sure they’re dead, THEN bury them

--Use condoms, even when not having sex

--Resort to violence only when you don’t get your way immediately


--Eat less human flesh

--Stop depending on Depends

--Pacify Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Congo, Central African Republic, Darfur & Sudan

--Take off your socks during love making, blood donation and dental work


--Become the Ron Jeremy of children's television

--Drink better beer—ie; upgrade from Natural Light to Natural Ice

--Transform Newcastle United Football Club’s Sam Allardyce from the negative, defensive, percentage-play manager he is into a swashbuckling Kevin Keegan style attacking mastermind while simultaneously maintaining the stingiest defensive capabilities of the scrappiest catennaccio purveyors


--Become the Louis Armstrong of beat-boxing

--Return Gandalf's Phone Calls

--Stop being so negative all the damn time. God, I always do that and ruin everything. Why does that always happen to me? Man, I just can't win. Damn it all to hell! I give up. I'm a fucking loser. Fuck!

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