Saturday, December 8, 2007

Where The Fecking Hell Are Shane Macgowan’s Teeth? Part 3

"Stately, plump Shane MacGowan came from the stairhead, bearing a shot of Listerine on which an interdental gum stimulator and a pack of dental floss lay crossed."

Had Shane MacGowan been born 75 years earlier (and actually taken care of his teeth) he could have been the model for Buck Mulligan instead of Oliver St. John Gogarty in Joyce’s "Ulysses." But since he wasn’t and didn’t, you’ll just have to go with the Shane you know—once brilliant, but now toothless and ragged. Would that he could awake from his slumber. But that day will not come till his teeth are reassembled and reinserted in his jaw. And until that day, we clutch at the absurd straws of MacGowaninan dental theory.

Theory #6: Seeking the Bigfoot, the Sasquatch and the Yeti
Discounted by scientists though they may be, romantics like Shane MacGowan and his teeth have not given up on the possibility of giant ape-like cousins of humanity living in the mountains. Gigantopithecus may seem like a long shot to you and I, but one of Shane’s teeth could be, at this moment, teaching a Yeti the secrets of fermenting its own saliva to make Himalayan chicha and getting the party started right up on Everest’s foothills.

Theory #7: Looking for Amelia Earhart’s Crash Site
"Bury me at sea, where no murdered ghost can haunt me…"

Deep in the North Pacific, near the Howland Islands, one of Shane’s teeth can be found, communing with the fish and sea creatures, trying to determine the final resting place of Amelia Earhart and her navigator, Fred Noonan. Utilizing that preternatural sensitivity which allowed Shane to feel his world so acutely and reflect it so poetically, this tooth is engaged in an obscure search through the genetic memories of eels, sharks and coral to reveal the legendary aviator’s final resting place.

Theory #8: Working to nail the CIA for the Crack Epidemic Since Gary Webb of the San Jose Mercury News revealed the CIA and Contra connection to crack in America, one of the teeth is purported to have gone undercover to nail the spy agency once and for all. Shane MacGowan himself may have an insatiable appetite for drugs of all kinds, but not this tooth! While Shane slowly comes apart, this tooth is fighting to stick it to the man.

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