Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Medications For The Holiday Blues

It’s a dirty little secret of the Festive season: The holidays can be terribly depressing. Luckily, those beneficent drug manufacturers have been churning out new medications by the dozens of late, complete with marvelous, soothing ad campaigns. Don’t worry about those pesky side effects. If you’ve got the holiday blues, look no further. Blogbovine has all the latest, greatest mood alteration meds at your fingertips.

Guilt-o-cil: Assuages that terrible feeling that someone has bought a better present for you than you got for them. Possible Side effects: Frugality Freak Out Syndrome—You never spend another dime and become a shut-in with piles of garbage around your apartment, which one day collapse and kill you.

Consum-a-tussin: Spent too much, but still want to spend more? Consum-a-tussin helps you stop that spending by causing you to cut up your credit cards in a somnambulistic fit! Counter indications: If Consum-a-tussin causes you to cut up your family, please discontinue use and consult your physician and lawyer.

Vince Vaughn-adril: This pharmaceutical concoction deadens the agony of observing the sardonic, smug prick that is Vince Vaughn, removing any effects of his frat-boy douchebaggery and cynicism from the festive season.

Regretobrex: Haunted by that one girl/guy who could have been the one? You know, the one you saw during the Christmas break in your junior year of college, went out with on that one magical date, but didn’t ravish him/her because you were seeing someone back at school and your mistaken notions of monogamy held your loins in check? Regretobrex will crush those feelings of regret and lust of bygone days, speeding you on to complacence in your current, drab marriage.

Grinch-edrin and Grinch-actin: These competing meds from Merck and Pfizer will suck the Grinch right out of those hard boiled cynics quicker than a herd of Cindy Lou Whos. Side effects: Who-philia, pederasty.

Un-lust-o-gen: Used to treat the side effects of Grinch-edrin, Grinch-actin and Reindeerphilia, this drug will kill your hardons till you reach your mid 70s.

Cockboostin: Used to treat Un-Lust-o-gen, above.

Suici-denol: Irrepressible urges to off yourself on Christmas Eve? Join the club! But you don’t have to pull that trigger, step off that window ledge or slice your wrists open and bleed yourself out like a pig! Instead, just take one whack of Suici-denol and spare your loved ones/custodial staff/fire department the trouble of cleaning up after your corpse. Active Ingredients: Cyanide

Yule-quil PM: Having trouble getting your litter of grasping, greedy little shits to bed for St. Nick’s visit? Dose those clutching, toy-whores with Yule-qui PM! Active Ingredient: Cumberland Farms brand generic gin.

Seinfeld-o-fen: A single dose stops your friends from quoting the Festivus episode and sending e-cards featuring "feats of strength" and "airing of grievances." It truly is a Festivus miracle!

Kwanzaatap: makes Kwanzaa feel only as made-up and fictional as Christmas, Hannukah and Festivus. Side effects: Users of this medication may turn in to Don Imus.

Eggnogra: Restores your penis to its full pre-eggnog bender hardness!

Solsti-cil: For the aloof, superior atheist who just cant get into the giving, joyous Holiday spirit and continually moans about "how commercial it all is," and how all the traditional symbols were "co-opted by the church," and the "real Christmas was probably in March," and all that other shit he keeps harping on.

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