Diary of a Bushwick Bedbug, 2

Hey, how’s it going? I woke up and was feeling kind of hungry, so I went for a bite and I guess I got lost because I wound up in that Minnesota girl’s jacket! Man, it was chilly when she went out, but I got inside the lining and made out okay on the subway.

We get off the train way uptown and she met her boyfriend on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum! Cool! I never been before! But I almost got crushed when she hugged her sweaty, bearded boy with his tight pants and Dr. Who-looking scarf.

When we walked in, they were laughing about the "conservative stuff" in the collection. They stiffed the suggested donation all together and went in to the Modern Art section. I guess I figured there was going to be a lot of portraits and shit, but boy was I in for a surprise. I mean, I'm no art critic--I'm just a bedbug--but there's some real shit passing for art out there!


First up we saw some hamburger paintings by a guy named Rothko. I call ‘em hamburger paintings cuz they have three layers (bun, meat, bun) and take about as much talent to assemble. These fucking things made me want to spit blood on them! If only this chubby, organic Minnesotan chick would get me closer. Then again, spitting blood from her lapel might blow my cover…

Next was a piece of sculpture. I couldn’t make out the title, so I’ll just call it "Huge Hunk of Junk". It was next to a work I’ll call "Towering Pile of Crap #63" and its companion piece "Garbage." I didn’t care very much for these pieces. Because they sucked. And because I could have made them, if I’d been born a human instead of a bed bug Then we came to an interesting piece I’ll call "The Emporer’s New Clothes (milk cartons and eggshells on canvas)."

I’d like to tell you more about why I hated the next piece, but there was some visual interference, so I think of that work as "Total Sham Obscured by Art Student’s Jewfro" which may have been an installation, come to think of it.

After sneering at the Met’s collection, the hipsters went to some galleries downtown. But they were pretty cramped, so I couldn’t see the titles. I guess "Fat Waddling Prick with i-phone," was a standout. Maybe he was part of a series with Jewfro, disrupting art experiences all over town.

Also notable was a series that may have been called "Preposterous Hoax in Tin Cans and Newspaper #1 (Downpayment)." This work was a preposterous hoax, done in tin cans and newspaper. Following hot its heels were "Preposterous Hoax in Tin Cans and Newspaper #2 (First Third of Principal)" and "Preposterous Hoax in Tin Cans and Newspaper #3 (Mortgage Paid)." There was also the perhaps more directly titled "Ripping Off My Dealer (1997)" and "Milking My Dealer for another $80,000."

All the while, the cutie from Minnesota and her boyfriend were sort of smooching and snarking at how passe the work was and talking about going to see the Kaiju Big Battel later. I have no idea what that was, but while they talked about it, I took a look at a piece called "The Flatulence of Time," or something.

Anyway I got sleepy and before I knew it we were back in the loft in Williamsburg! So, I settled in to the bed with not one, but two servings of Bushwick hipsters to choose from! I must confess, I opted for the buffet.

I can’t say I really enjoyed most of the art, but I will say wandering around those galleries and museums sure worked up an appetite. It also gave me a bit of a headache. But I’d do it again! I love seeing the world. I’m so glad these hipsters are coming to Bushwick. Maybe I’ll hitch a ride to the Kaiju Big Battel some time and find out what that is.

Well, until next time…

Curtis