Diary of a Bushwick Bedbug, 4: There Will Be Blood?

Hey Folks,

How’s things? I got out again this weekend. This time I hitched a ride on Minnesota to the movies. She went to the Brooklyn Academy of Music to see "There Will Be Blood."

SPOILER ALERT: I gotta be honest: I thought there would be more blood.

I mean, after all, I’m a blood feeder, so I was hoping for more food porno for Bedbugs. Like watching the Food Network, you know? But there just wasn’t that much.

So I thought these alternate titles might work better:

--There Will Be Acting
--There Will Be Bad Midwestern Accents By an Irishman
--There Will Be Moustaches
--There Will Be No Female Characters
--There Will Be Death By Drill Bit, Pistol and Bowling Pin

Or maybe "There Will Be Ample Time For A Bed Bug To Scamper Around And Bite Every Single Moviegoer In The 5th Row." I got a little bored with the flick so I crawled across the whole row, sampling the flavors. It was like a buffet! A 10 course meal, even!

It’s amazing how fast that rich, real butter flavor makes its way from the popcorn into human blood! And mmm, that’s good butter! And Junior Mints really are refreshing, aren’t they? The Japanese girl on the end of the isle was scarfing them down, so her blood tasted choco-minty! Awesome! But I can tell--coffee at B.A.M. isn’t so good. I think Minnesota makes a better pot back at her place. Hey, maybe those free-range, fair trade coffee beans really do taste better.

Anyway, the movie was directed by P.T. Barnum’s great grandson—P.T. Anderson. It stars Daniel Day Lewis and a whole bunch of other no-name-nobodies who aren’t worth mentioning, except maybe the kid who played "the kid".

That Daniel Day Lewis is a real fucking ham. Minnesota was watching "Gangs of New York" a few nights ago on cable in her Bushwick loft, so I creeped out of the baseboard and took a look. I’ll be damned if Daniel Day Lewis doesn’t cop some dumb accent for every role he takes. I mean, come on. Who, anywhere, ever spoke like he does in this movie? A Dubliner trying to cop a dust-bowl accent, that’s who. Method acting? You want a method? How’s this: Let the words speak for themselves and stop glowering at the camera.

There were some other actors too, but I don’t really remember any of them, except the kid. That kid is the next Haley Joel Osment! Which means he better save his earnings from this turkey. I think Osment is doing dinner theater in Canton. Or maybe he’s the actual Haley Joel Osment! Wait, does Osment have the same disease as Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis and Joe C from Kid Rock’s band? Shit. That’s sad.


Okay, so here’s a question about the movie: Where the hell were the women? Was the main character gay? Was he asexual? Or was Daniel Day Lewis some kind of mine pervert? Maybe he gets off on basalt and gabbro. I don’t know. But there was hardly a woman in sight in this flick. Maybe there was a little homo-Oedipus going on? The whole thing was pretty creepy.

So, crawling around in Minnesota’s papers the next night, I saw that the critics are lining up to fondle Paul Thomas Anderson scrotum, telling you it’s a grand American Film Masterpiece, but don’t be fooled. The score by Johnny Greenwood from Radiohead is pretty cool, the photography's nice and it’s got some funny moments, but otherwise, this one’s a hollow stinker.

So long for now,

Curtis

Silver Screen Skeeter Reviews "Enchanted"

Come November I like to go and get me some turkey, taters and cranberry sauce at the homeless shelter. Folks all around does their best to toss some coin at us and then forget about us so they can keep on buying caramel pizzas and electronic gadgets and still feel good about themselves. So we eats for free!

Well, a feller in the shelter was a Canarsie Indian! We hit it off real good just like in the Pilgrim and Indian days, because we didn’t put no stock in private property. Who’s to say this subway grate belongs to any man? I got as much right to sleep on it as you do! And you’re welcome to join me whenever you’re hankering to. And old Lenny, he agreed. So we hit it off nice.

Anyhow, after we ate out free Thanksgiving, we had a little scratch saved up since we didn’t have to pay for nothing, so me and Lenny, we went to see us a movie.

It was called Enraptured. There was a cartoon princess what turned into a real life girl right here in New York! It sure was fun to see that princess wander around some of the places I like to pee at night when nobody’s around.

She got chased by a mean witch. But the witch had nice bosoms. And the holiday Daddies who were sitting behind us kept whispering "She’s a real milk." I didn’t understand what they meant, till Lenny told me they was saying "milf." But I still didn’t understand.

Well, me and Lenny, we was drinking cranberry sauce mixed with paint thinner and right about the middle of the movie, Lenny started feeling bad about how all these white people took all the Indian land here in New York. Suddenly, he stood up and shouted I was cheating him out of his fair share of "fire water."

I said "Lenny, this ain’t fire water, it’s cranberry sauce and paint thinner!"

Then Lenny called me a liar and hit me over the head with his popcorn bucket. Them little kids started cheering and hollering but their moms wasn’t too happy. I thought I saw some dads laughing though.

Pretty soon, the ushers came and chucked us out on the street, so I didn’t see the ending. But that queen had nice bosoms, so I gives this one four out of five wine bottles.

Enchanted (2007)

Starring:
Starring: Amy Adams, James Marsden, Idina Menzel, Susan Sarandon, Patrick Dempsey
Directed by: Kevin Lima

What should the new Stem Cell Method be put to work on?

Medicine routinely grows in leaps and bounds, but surely the new stem cell method is the most promising of advances in many a long year. How should we put this great leap forward to use?

--Use the new advances to cure loud cell-phone talkers

--Somehow revoke Rachel Ray

--Stop middle-class kids from calling each other "son"

--Recreate Al Pacino’s ability to act instead of just going "hoo-ah" and shouting in every role

--Silence the incessant beating of the bongos and tambourines in my mind

--Produce a race of super-obese behemoths to rule North America

--Stop Hollywood from making movies like Beowulf, Fred Claus and numbered installments of Saw

--Cure blogging

Silver Screen Skeeter reviews "30 Days of Night"

Well, it's been awhile since I been to the movies on account of I been lookin' for my cat Frodo. But now I done give up on him. He musta wandered off to some other abandoned subway station.

It left me real low down and broken hearted, loosing that dang cat. I only got him cause one afternoon when I was singing Hank Williams tunes on the grates near the Virgin Megastore, a little old lady come by with a box of kittens and she got hit by a bus. Them kittens done scattered every which way and I wound up with one.

Having a little kitten was a tower of work and care, but I said to myself "Ol Skeeter, you gotta feed two mouths now!" And it weren’t regular cat food like the kind I usually eats neither. Cause there wasn't nothing too good for my Frodo. So I bought the special kind with low ash and all, seein' as it's better for a wee kitten like that. But since Frodo up and gone, I switched back to the ash kind. That ash flavor grows on a feller and I didn't like that low ash kind too good.

Anyhow, I took the money I saved from only having to buy for one and I went and seen me a movie. Lucky for me all that cat urine in my jacket gets me kinda high, so I didn't have to buy no hooch neither.

I seen that "30 Days of Frights." It was in a real dark place with lots of snow. Then a bunch of Arkansas hobos came swoopin' down on the town and tore it all ass from elbow. I ain't never seen a hungrier, ornerier bunch of hobos as Arkansas hobos. So I wasn't too surprised to see them whooping it up and causing a ruckus like that.

But they sure talked funny. Maybe it was them fumes from the cat pee, but it was hard to understand them. I guess that Arkansas accent is getting weirder and weirder with all them illegal immigrants coming in from China and Switzerland and Zaire and whatnot.

Anyhow, them townspeople, they creeped and crawled around as long as they could till them Arkansas hobos left town or got them selves killed, and since they done their best all them 30 days, I gives this movie three wine bottles out of five.

30 Days of Night (2007)
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George and Danny Huston
Directed by: David Slade

Them Arkansas Hobos sure caused a heap of trouble.