--Make sure they’re dead, THEN bury them
--Use condoms, even when not having sex
--Resort to violence only when you don’t get your way immediately
--Monetize!
--Eat less human flesh
--Stop depending on Depends
--Pacify Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Congo, Central African Republic, Darfur & Sudan
--Take off your socks during love making, blood donation and dental work
--Swallow!
--Become the Ron Jeremy of children's television
--Drink better beer—ie; upgrade from Natural Light to Natural Ice
--Transform Newcastle United Football Club’s Sam Allardyce from the negative, defensive, percentage-play manager he is into a swashbuckling Kevin Keegan style attacking mastermind while simultaneously maintaining the stingiest defensive capabilities of the scrappiest catennaccio purveyors
--Miscegenate!
--Become the Louis Armstrong of beat-boxing
--Return Gandalf's Phone Calls
--Stop being so negative all the damn time. God, I always do that and ruin everything. Why does that always happen to me? Man, I just can't win. Damn it all to hell! I give up. I'm a fucking loser. Fuck!
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