Signs The End Is Nigh: New York Has Given Up

Time was when New York could be relied upon to roll out the murder stats to show off its street cred. But not any more. Because the cowards and lily-livered pansies that make up the nation's largest metropolis have gone soft. The murder rate in New York has dropped to an ignominious low not seen since good numbers became available in 1963. The Big Apple is on pace to have fewer than 500 homicides this year. Perhaps we should change the city's nickname to "The Big Pussy," "Magical Unicorn Village of Love," or "Candyland."

What in god's name is happening to New York? When did The City That Never Sleeps become such surrender monkeys? Was it the day a bank branch opened on every single corner that wasn't already occupied by a Starbucks/Subway/McDonald's? Was it when the Yankees stopped winning everything? Was it when the hipsters started moving to Brooklyn and brought their yuppie girlfriends, boyfriends and LP collections to Bushwick?

But more importantly, how can New York reclaim that foundational murderous rage that has kept the city throbbing, sweating and working since Peter Stuyvesant tore off his own leg to club the Native Americans off of HIS chunk of Manhattan?

Here are some recommendations to get New York back in it to win it with this murder rate thing. Come on, New York. You can do it.

1. Install fire axes and sawed off shot guns in every subway car: Imagine the subways as a mass-transit Mad Max with insane homeless men battling junior high schoolers whose Ritalin has worn off, disgruntled postal employees, out of work writers and the odd coked up wall street douchebag and you've got a good start on reclaiming past glories.

2. Board up every Starbucks in the city: The resulting caffeine withdrawal and screeching of angry coffee junkies scrabbling for a fix should be enough to set off the bodega owners, who've been making better coffee than Starbucks for 1/3 the price. Result? Class war.

3. Ban baby strollers from Park Slope: The uber-cultured, monied mommies will soon lose their veneer of civilization when they actually have to carry their whelps AND their breast pumps. Then when they realize the Starbucks is closed (#2, above), they're doubly likely to freak out and try to club the nanny with the Baby Mozart DVD, improving our "blunt impact" numbers.

4. Block all Spanish language television broadcasts: Combine this with #3 and watch the effect on the underpaid, maltreated illegal immigrant nannies from Guatemala who can't see their telenovelas anymore. The crankiness levels in half of Brooklyn's homes will skyrocket. "Look out, Mom, Guadalupe's got a knife! And she's not using it to cut my afternoon snack!" This is not even to speak of what withdrawal from the shouts of "GOOOOOOOOOOOOL!" will do to the underpaid illegal immigrant men who keep the city functioning.

5. Outlaw Pest Control: Between roaches, bed bugs and rats, New Yorkers without the services of exterminators will simply freak-the-fuck-out, day and night. After 48 hours, the paranoid entomophobic hallucinations kick in and suddenly it's "I thought he was a giant roach, officer!"